hail_timoria

Now I’ve finished all my exams, which, I realize as I right this, seems a little pointless given the very nature of this thing is to take over authority. But anyway, I’ve now finished all my exams, which may well come in useful if this plan fails. Which it’s not likely to, but I guess it’s hard to know since I’m posting all of this on the Internet.

            Must stay focused. So, all my exams are finished, this may or may not be useful, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how can I use this recent event in my life to fabricate a humorous blog entry? I thought of many things, none of them relevant, and came to the following conclusion, I will:

1) Stop using so many commas. It’s not that I have a comma fetish or anything, I just write the way I talk, and I talk with a lot of pauses and sub-sentences thrown in, which anyone who knows me, in real life that is, can confirm.

2) Create a quiz that proves if someone is a citizen of Timoria. Well, until the population is everybody, then it will just be to annoy people I don’t like. The quiz goes something like follows;

1)      What is your name?

2)      Are you, or do you wish to be, a citizen of Timoria?

3)      If yes, which one?

4)      If no, why not?

5)      What is the name of our great leader?

6)      What are the three main themes of our National Anthem?

7)      Why didn’t you enter my National Anthem writing contest?

8)      Do you own anything that may be donated to the Timorian cause?

9)      Do you over rely on spell-check?

10) Do you believe in rock and roll? Can music save your mortal soul?

11) Can you teach me how to dance real slow?

12) No seriously, why didn’t you write me an Anthem?

13) On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoyed do I get when someone compares me to Hitler?

14) Will you marry me?

15) Is it obvious that I’m only including these questions to get to 21 questions, that being one of my favourite numbers?

16) Is it weird to have a favourite number?

17) Should I care?

18) Should the great Prophet of our State Religion be Michael Swaim?

19) Do you want a promotion?

20) If yes, what will you do to get it?

21) Who was better, Kirk or Picard?

Please complete this quiz and hand it in the comments please. You must comply.

Stage XII – Anthem

 Yesterday, I got thinking. I remember earlier mentioning that anyone who submitted a national anthem for Timoria could have it made official. So far, the number of people taking me up on this offer has been…. 0. So, like I really should be prepared to do by now, I went out for myself.

My first stop was a nice little place on the High Street. Respect your local retailer! Anyway, I went in a had a quick chat:

 KING NYE I, EMPEROR OF THE WORLD: Why hello there, my good man
GUY: What’s with the fancy talk daddio? Can’t you see I’m gettin’ down an’ easy with the sweet tunes we’re playin’?

So, I’d have to do this alone.

 
 See, the cat gets it.

I thought of starting with something simple. Something very… Timorian. Since Timoria doesn’t technically exist this was a problem, but I think I solved it very well. Here goes…

            ‘Timoria!’

 Yes, that’s a start. But it needed something else. Calling round for a few suggestions I worked up the following:

             ‘Timoria! And cake!’

 I asked round a bit harder. Then called a full on conference. Yes, it’s that time again.

 NYE: OK, any ideas for a Timorian anthem?
JAKE: How about ‘Timoria! Timoria! The Land of Fear and Pain’?
NYE: That has a certain ring too it…
ADAM: Yeah, pain for Jake!
NYE: That… didn’t make sense. Anyway, we all need to think of something. Jamie?
JAMIE: Bless you my child. (Cross motion with hands)
NYE: Seriously, stop doing that. It’s really disturbing.
JAMIE: Screw you my child. (Cross motion with hands)
NYE: Do it again and you can’t have that army of Paladins.
JAMIE: I got an army of Paladins?
NYE: Not if you don’t stop calling me ‘your child’
DEAN: Wait, don’t I control armies and stuff?
NYE: Yes, but you weren’t in school today. Anyway, we need to think of things that really sum up Timoria. Everyone write down your suggestions…

So now we have some basic ideas for a Timorian song.
*Cough cough*

 ‘Timoria! Cake! And pretty girls in miniskirts!'
Any honestly, isn’t that what every national anthem needs?

You'll notice that this entry was posted on Monday instead of Sunday. Well, there's a reason for that. Throughout quite a bit of the last fortnight I've been studying for exams. And it's dull. So that got me thinking, what should Timorian school be like? It need to be educational, but also needs to be entertaining. And it must have no use of the word 'Edutainment'.

Literature classes are a must, spread across different languages but all combining the same themes.

Science, the most important of all subjects, shall have top priority in school, and teach all the different aspects of the World of Science.

Maths (yes, with the s) also needs to feature pretty majorly. If x^2+5x-4=0 what are the values of x? Do you know? There we go, maths can be useful.

Now, because I like experimenting, and also because I left this too long and Heroes will be on soon (followed by Ashes to Ashes) so I won't have time to write much more. So... well, wait and see.


So, I was thinking something fairly important. I hate exams. I know they're useful and all, but I don't like them. And homework. Homework is silly.


Basically, Stuff I don't like gets thrown out.

And to wrap things up, this would have been such a good entry if it wasn't for school lowering my freetime. Screw School. Yeah, I said it.

Again, no picture. I don't know how to fix scanners Ok?

Nah, I'm being moody. Let me tell you about it.

This is the Timoria Summer Festival. It celebrates.... Summer. And all it's summeryness. Plus, it's usually whenour schools break up anyway so there's a nice link there.

By the way, these festivals wont be in chronological order so... well they just wont.

The Timorian Spring Festival! Could be Easter, could be something else!

Hail!

Stage IX – Celebrations

‘Tis Easter time. A pretty big time, I’m sure you’ll agree. So in this time I’ve had away from school I’ve wondered, how will Timoria conduct these affairs? So I’ve decided to do something different for a change. Everyday this week, I’ll post a picture of a new Timorian Festival. Well, I’ll just post some pictures of stuff happening and put ‘Such-and-such-a-time Festival below them, so I don’t start a religious battle here.

Stage IX.I – Spring Festival

Stage 8 – Villainy

Being evil comes with several advantages. You don’t have to care about anyone except a small grinning pet for the hero to use as your one weakness. You get free money from your loyal minions. (You guys.) And most of all… you get respect.

No wait, most of all you get dancing girls. But also respect.

Trying to declare yourself evil is tricky. True evil people never do it, they don’t have to. People know. So I sat down and planned various ways I could show people I’m evil. I tried kicking a puppy.

When the Police released me, I decided on my second plan. I could declare myself God. Or at least a God. Maybe not the main one. He wouldn’t like that. But head of my Church at least. I mean, that’s the best way to ensure people say good with the idea isn’t it? No one will want to break the rules if they think God will get them for it. So, as usually happens in these things, I went to see Jamie.

 NYE: Hey Jamie.
JAMIE: Hold on…. *stares*
NYE: Is this some kind of weird religious thing?
JAMIE: No, I just unlocked Tiny Kong. You were saying?
NYE: I’m bringing a rule about the church.
JAMIE: Incorrect. What about the Separation of Church and State?
NYE: That… That’s in America. And actually, it’s not even a proper constitutional… never mind. But I am declaring myself a God. Or at least a prophet.
JAMIE: So I have to worship you?
NYE: Pretty much.
JAMIE: I can’t see that happening. Now if you don’t mind, I’m killing things in barrels.
NYE: And you consider that more important than ruling the world? What am I saying, of course you do.

 So, as usual, I left in defeat. I went back to my castle in my mind. At that moment, I was attacked by what I assumed was a ninja. It turned out to be much worse.

Yes, there’s supposed to be a picture above this. But after last week I’m experimenting. So I’ve hidden it. Somewhere on this entry is a ninja. Find it, win a prize. Things will be normal next week.

 GEMMA: *hitting me with something* What were you talking about?
NYE: Ahh! What?
GEMMA: What’s that I heard about dancing girls?
NYE: Ahh! I just said it might be fun!
GEMMA: I thought you were marrying me?
NYE: What? You didn’t want to marry me anyway! That’s why you’re imprisoned here!
GEMMA: That’s *hitting again* not the point! If you’re marrying me, you are not going to start sleeping around!
NYE: But that’s what evil people do!
GEMMA: Then either choose between me and evil!
NYE: I can’t NOT be evil!
GEMMA: Why not?
NYE: Because I’m an evil tyrant! I have to be evil, it’s one half of the job description!
GEMMA: But you don’t have to be evil. You told me yourself, you’re doing this to try and help people. Stop being evil Nye!

Something in her words hit me deeply. Something in her hands hit me deeply as well, but that’s a different matter. I chose this job to help people, so help I shall. I’ll be sinister yes, but I shall use my power to do good in the world.
 

Wait a minute.

*kick*

Hah! Take that puppy!

What? So I lied. It’s what we people do!

Stage IX– Roman Numerals. No, not really, but I think this looks cooler.

Stage 7 – Stuff

So yeah. Being a country relies on a lot more than writing a book of rules and beating people with sticks. Shocking but true. So this entry is devoted to… stuff. Generic country stuff that everyone needs but no one cares about. Stuff like stamps and passports.

            Now, I’m very patriotic, being the king. In fact it may be impossible for me NOT to be. Anyway, the same cannot be said for some of you people reading this. How many of you have posted the Timoria where ever available? Hmm? None of you I’m willing to bet. I have it here, on my signature on various internet forums; I even have it stuck to my bedroom window.
 

 I don’t have a digital camera. 

So my plans for the next few days involve... well, they involve doing exams, but they'll also involve designing and creating passports and ID badges for any member of Timoria who needs or just wants one.
Now, I’m aware I need some form of publishing house to do that, that’s why I went to visit my good minion friend Adam last week to discuss this stuff. And the best idea we had was… An Educational videoto advertise and bring in money! All ideas for the content of this video will be accepted in the comments below. But also, I’m bringing forth a new competition. Anyone who can write a decent national anthem will win the special prize of some time having every single person in the world knowing it. That’s right, the winner of the competition will have their song become the official national anthem of the world!

Please think of something decent.

Now, it also occurs to me that despite being an evil overlord, I haven’t done a whole lot of evil-ing. This is partly due to a lack of resources to do that with, partly lack of opportunity. I did force someone into slave labour for my future queen though, so I guess that counts. But volcano lairs and large armies of mooks take planning. Lots of planning.

Stage 8 – Villainy

PS: This entry should be longer, but I’m feeling a bit ill. I order everyone here to wish me better. Hugs and sensual massages will be accepted later on.

The meeting was ended and we all went back to our fabulous mansions. In our minds.

Stage 6 – Control

All oppressive states need some level of control in their ways. I think that’s plainly obvious. But this comes with some major downsides; you can’t hurt them without hurting yourself. Yes, we easily could destroy large pats of the world for disagreeing with us, but then what? We lose some valuable workers and a ton of resources. Also, killing is wrong. That’s a heavy price to pay for something that can be held with some simple control strategies.

           Now people might remember that I posted a tag a few weeks ago. I still urge all people to let it be seen any where they can. But I fear that that won’t be sufficient. While groups of people on the internet are fine, something more impressive seems to be needed. We need to spread the word. But to do that, we need some sort of method to spread with.

 
Like this, but if it were a radio.
 

Now I needed a bit of assistance.

NYE: Hey Adam, your time has come.
ADAM: What’d you need?
Adam swiveled back and forth in his chair for a bit.
NYE: Propaganda
ADAM: Well, I’m head of all broadcasting.
NYE: And transportation. Anyway, I’ve decided we need to more vocal. One blog on the internet won’t get every far without lots of spam advertising.
ADAM: So we’ll be spam advertising?
NYE: No… we’ll be doing other stuff. I have one idea at least.
ADAM: O RLY?
NYE: I’m not doing that again. We need to create an educational video. About Timoria.
ADAM: Hmm. And I’ll do what?
NYE: You’re the only person I know who has a video camera.
ADAM: (Making notes) And what do you want in this video?
NYE: That’s another problem. We have this blog, a flag and a group on Bebo. (http://www.bebo.com/timoria) But we don’t have much else. So we’re going to produce a video and create some more things. Currency, stamps, a decent national anthem.

 And that’s pretty much where we are now. All people of the world shall soon be held under our banner. Once we make one.

 Stage 7 – Stuff.

One of these.

I have an announcement. I command every person who reads this blog to post the following anywhere they can.

Being a dictator comes with some benefits. One, you can pretty much do what ever you like. I say pretty much because sooner or later you’ll cross the line, and no matter how much you think you are a god, being impaled on a pitchfork does nothing for one’s self-confidence. That’s where a government comes in.
 

Now government comes in many different areas. A sensible course of action would be to research an existing government and create a copy of that. However if you were expecting that, you clearly haven’t been here long, which is understandable, since this is only the third entry.

First of all comes my good friend Jamie Merritt. I’ve known him for quite a while now; we’ve lived on the same street all my life. It seems fitting to give him a high up job in my government. So racking my brains I came to the conclusion that he should be Head of the State Religion, a sort of Pope if you will. Not because he’s particularly religious, but if he tries to overthrow me he’ll have God looking over his shoulder.
 

God
 

Now obviously many other people will have to be appointed jobs later on, but the question still remains…what kind of laws will they be enforcing? The job of Pope is an easy one; don’t kill, don’t steal, sleep on weekends. So I’m going to do a very unusual thing for a dictator, I’m going to open up the board to questions. Any question, big or small. So if you have a question, feel free to post it in the comments below.

Stage 4 – Law

PS: You know, ANY comment would be nice. I know it hasn’t been advertised a lot, but I can see how many people read this column and I still haven’t gotten one comment. This displeases me :(
 

Taking over the world. Many have tried, most have failed. Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Purple Tentacle. But soon the world the world shall be united under one banner. The banner of… Timoria!

Stage I. – Land.

The first and foremost important part of any country is the land. Even more important than slaves. Seriously. There’s no good having a mighty loyal workforce if you have nowhere to keep them. With this in mind I set out to acquire some territory.
Now most of my plans have been somewhat too… unusual to actually be effective.

<

Yeah, not too far off…

However, with tenacity in my pockets and a strong team of three people behind me, I set off on my quest.
Sadly, this did not work. As it turns out, Britain doesn’t take kindly to people invading her shores. A different tactic shall have to be found. Fortunately, I happen to be good friends with current Monarch of the Land, Queen Elizabeth II.*

EMPEROR NYE: Hello there, ma’am.
QUEEN ELIZABETH: What up, my delightful homie?
NYE: Came to ask you a quick question…
LIZ: ‘Course you can, I’m the Queen don’tchaknow!

NYE: Well, it’s actually more of a small favour. You see-
LIZ: You! (Points at butler) You! (Points at maid) Have sex with each other!
NYE: Uh yes well… you see, I’m plan-
LIZ: I’m the Queen!

NYE: Yes. Yes you are. I know you’re the queen. You’ve been the Queen all the time I’ve been alive. I was actually there for your Golden Jubilee at Lotherton Hall. You are the Queen. And I need a favour.
LIZ: Ask and ye shall receive. (Because I’m the Queen)
NYE: Well, I need some land.
LIZ: O RLY?
NYE: …YA, RLY. Not much though. You see, I’m planning to take over the world.
LIZ: Hmm. Will I still be Queen?
NYE: Uh… you’ll probably die before that.
LIZ: Hmm, true. Well, I’d like to give you some land, but I can’t. You see I’m a constitutional monarch. That means I’m bound by the Constitution not to abuse my power.
NYE: Crap
I left quickly, taking care to avoid the couple still making out in the corner.

However, this gave me an idea. I needed a queen. Someone to share my life with. Someone to produce an heir. And, if the moment calls for it, someone to hand to an angry mob. Land would have to wait. Besides, I’ll just wait until I’m 18 and buy a house.
So I’ll set aside conquest and settle on the dating scene.

Next Issue
Stage 2 – Queen

(*Parts of conversation may be fabricated for humorous effect.)